Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
