you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
