No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
she peed on how many people?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
