five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
