Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
