News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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