Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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