pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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