i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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