Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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