The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
