You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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