Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
