I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
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