My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
