Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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