I wish my penis had an off switch
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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