this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
