jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
