Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
