Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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