Even the bartender felt bad for me
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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