Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
