My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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