Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
