Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
