He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
