Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
