My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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