I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
