he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
