i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
