and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
