why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
This house was built for laser tag.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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