I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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