I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
