I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
