she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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