I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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