Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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