Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
