it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize