I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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