break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
