Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Can you bring me the toilet please
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
