I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
my liver is dry heaving
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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