I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
