ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
