Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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