Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
