I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
