You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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