The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
