I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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