Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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