u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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