He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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