'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
