there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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