I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
