Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
