I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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