i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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