So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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