1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I have feelings that need drinking.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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