Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
